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|Tuesday, July 27th, 2004|
i've decided to make a new journal..
the new name should be linked in my aim profile. so.. yeah
|Tuesday, July 20th, 2004|
|its a small world AFTERALL?
What to say...
what to say.
Well, to be truthful, I just wrote like half a journal entry and erased it all.
I really don't want to say anything about all the details of this past week.
Lets just say I have fucked up beyond belief.. and I'm lucky to be sitting here right now.
I could be dead. I could be in a hospital. I could have gotten kicked out of my house and been living with my aunt and uncle in west hartford right about now.
Or I still could have been at jerimiahs house.. just WISHING for one of those other things to happen.
Anything.. but being there.
I hate him so much
So much it just makes me want to hurt myself really badly. Why myself and not him? I don't know.. thats just how I feel.
This is all my fault anyway.
All of it
If i had never went anywhere in the first place. If i had just stayed at home..
If i had just listened to my father.. who was being completely insane.. but who was only worried..
why don't i listen to anyone
I have some serious brain damage, i think.
Actually. I probably wouldn't mind it at all if I had died. It was scary at the time and I was thinking to myself, I hope I don't die, please don't let us die.
Right now.. I think maybe if I hadn't been thinking that in my head, it would have happened.
You never know.
Not many people are talking to me right now.
And if they are...
It isn't anything very pleasant.
I just wonder what steve will have to say to me.
I havn't talked to him in over a week.
But a lot of thoughts are going through my head right now..
and i am just not in the mood to get into a full blown argument of how careless I was.
I admit it. I was. I am so completely naive.
But it was my choice to do all those things, i can't take it back
i just have to live with it.
a simple apology doesn't change shit.
it never has, and never will.
people may say it does.. but in their mind they KNOW after all that has happened..
things will never be the same.
Someone said I that I will never change.
I have something to tell them..
they aren't going to either.
It is harder than it seems
you can have all the modivation in the world, you can have all the right reasons.
but when it comes down to it
when you get to that edge of the turning point... I bet you'll hesitate when making that final decision.
it really makes you think..
when people want to be good
why is it so hard?
desires really mean everything to people, dont they.
of course.. i wont say that for everyone
im sure there are people out there who are pure of soul
i mean hey, look at ghondi.
yes my sarcasm is full blown at this point but uh.. I really don't care.
I will be saying anything I want to.
And fuck if anyone trys to change my mind about who i am.
because.. hell.. i don't even know.
so how the hell can you know.
theres just too much.
no one can ever know anyone else .. as much as that person knows themselves.
because although we would like to say we keep no secrets. there are just some things that will never be said
i dont hold that against anyone. not for one second.
people have a right to their privacy. and no one should make them give it up.
if you want to trust me. trust me.im sure you wouldnt be dissapointed.
If i make a promise to you, and I break it. I don't apologize, because it was bound to happen at one point in my life. Either 5 minutes from now, or 50 years from now.
The bottom line is..
You can only keep a promise to yourself and never be dissapointed. because it is what you wanted. and if you want to break it, then its okay. because you made that decison.
but to make a promise to someone else.. because you love them and you want them to believe that you would do anything for them.. thats okay. thats love.
but in reality.. if you don't make that promise to yourself also, then, more likely than not.. it'll be broken.
So heres the deal.
To anyone who wants me to promise them something.. I will promise it to you, because I care. But just be aware.. that it could be broken. People make mistakes you know? No one is perfect.
Just.. don't ask me to change who I am. If you know something is inevitable.. then why ask me to try and change that?
It will only hurt you in the end.
And I DO believe everything happens from a reason. And from everyone mistake, comes a lesson. And from every lesson, comes a decision.
I have made my decisions. They are my own. I made them on account of myself, not with anyone elses influence.
I can't live behind fear of other people any longer.. it's killing me.It hurts me physically just as much as it does emotionally.
SO thats it.
thats all I have to say.
If i didnt make sense.. i really cant help you there. because I get it. and that is all that matters.
And this does not go out to the only person who currectly reads my journal. Because as of now i am giving all the rest of my friends this link.
and most likely some thigns in here.. will become..lest detailed and personal.
Like I said, I have the right to keep secrets.
Welcoming myself back to reality,
yours truly, really...,
|Monday, July 12th, 2004|
mm yeah today wasnt anything special.. but it was kinda relaxing, for once
i woke up at like 1030 ish and then i got dressed and went to stephs and we hung out and i helped her pack up a few things, take posters off her wall. theyre moving on the 22nd. commin up pretty damn soon. im gonna miss her house. dude its a nice fucking house lol.. o well
i need to quit smoking ciggarettes...
but right now i think im going to go and have one.
yeah.. thats not too good. heh.
dammit.. i have paint in my hair
that isnt cool
not cool at all
i was painting this plaster skeleton thing like jack from the Nightmare before christmas.
it looks pretty good
only hes playing a trombone
bahh yey my friend jason is commin to hang out wednsday. were gonna skate. well hes gonan skate. im gonna fall on mah butt
|Tuesday, July 6th, 2004|
Yeah.. yesterday ended kind of badly.. but I'm not going to get into that.
Today, I woke up early as hell.. but I couldn't even stay awake so I went back to sleep adn my brother woke me up at like 1:00pm. Steph called, and she wants me to come over after shes done working at the new apartment. they're moving in a week. gah!
Then, my mom asked my to clean around the house, and then I mowed the front lawn.. but the mower ran out of gas. It's okay though, I got most of it done.
Steph ryan and meg were just sitting in the car in teh driveway for like 5 minutes... they were probably arguing, steph and ryan. then they left. I dunno what that was about. The lawnmower was going and i had my headphones on, so i couldn't really hear anything.
I think I've got a cold, or it's just my damn allergies again.
oh hey Tony just IMed me. I was wondering where the hell that shithead was. He still has an entire bag of clothes steph gave to me. But he lives in mass and he had wrecked his car... so yeah.
oooh yea.. i think im going to be leaving soon. im kinda happy to get out of this house. everyone is driving me mad.
|Monday, July 5th, 2004|
|aghhhh jesus christ. i wish.
sometimes i wonder if there was a got.. would he do anything.
I see myself treading on a dangerous path..
Earlier before I came online, I was having a ciggarette and contemplating my plans to go to canada. I know it is not going to be easy. In fact, not one minute of it will be easy.
What are all the downsides?
In light of me running off there for the remainder of the summer,
my parents would have everything and everyone searching for me.
-of course there is the likliness that they would never find me.. but you never know
If/ when I come back.. I would most likley immidiatley be put on house arrest. I am not kidding...
-again, i would not for one second doubt my parents would do this, however.. by that time, i might not even have a home to be under serveilance in. The fact being that.. my family is under constant watch of the state. Stephanie lives here... and though I love that she does.. it's like having a spy being placed in a suspects area, and if one thing goes wrong.. example... their child running away for a long period of time adn them having no idea about it.. no way of doing anything about it.. they would take extreme precautions. I know this is true... i talk with those who work for places like dcf quite frequently..
my parents rights could be completely terminated.. and my whole familys life would go down the shit hole because i ran off. how.. completely selfish is that. i think i am being overdramatic. but.. these ARE the worst case scenarios... it could happen. and with a record like stephanies.. its most likely to happen.
maybe some dont understand this at all.. but i do have a difficult life. i have a lot of unsaid responsibilities. it was based upon my decision.. to bring these things into our lives.
plus.. its not the fact that i dont wan
aw fuck forget it. i think i am being overly paranoid.. but i cant think straight right now. there are too many things going through my head. ineed to think this all over. god.. 1 day. it hasnt even been a full day.. adn things are already looking down. i hope this isnt a mistake.. god i hope not.
i need to go.
i really do..
i'm not feeling well..
and.. i jsut can't take this anymore. i need sleep. i need to think it all over..
a life of my own
i need to be able to make choices for myself
so far.. its been far and few between of self proclaimed choices i've made.
I am really hating this house right about now... I hate people.. expecially my older brother. He is so ignroant and so.. so wrong. Every word that comes out of his mouth is an insult to someone. about 40 minutes ago, he started to insult me, for no other reason than the simple pleasure of it. as he told me himself.
I can't blieve I am actually related to him in any blood related way. It's disgusting. I can't help think that I love him because he is my brother, but I also hate him so much. Because he makes me hate myself. He is quite literally the sole reason for why I have a complex self esteem problem. He makes me so sick with hate that I think I am going to be sick very soon..
I know that the pills don't work for crap because if they did, maybe I wouldn't feel this way right now.. I feel so.. completely.. insecure. He purposely hits all my soft spots because he knows it's the only way he can get to me. He makes no sense, all the time. If that Itself makes any sense at all.. He amkes me want to kill myself. I don't like sayign those words. In fact I don't think I have said that in quite a long time, (for me). But this is how he makes me feel. He is the worst person I could have for a brother.. or anyone could have for that matter. What kind of person.. would go on for ages, stomping someone down, just to see them squirm. Honestly. What kind of sick demented fuck enjoys doing that to someone he is suppose to care about.. and why does it have to be me who goes through this.. why am I the only one he does this to, and the only one it gets to. I am in a very weak poition in my life, very volunrable, and he knows it. He thrives on it. I don't want to make it seem as if I think I am the center of the universe.. be he does more often than not, make it his purpose to make my life a living hell. He treats me like a walking talk breathing peice of shit. I hate it. and I just went off into another argument wiht him yet agian. agh i must stop before I brings me down even more...
I only have few things to keep me going.
You are one of them :) I love you.
|a box full of sharp objects.. what a beautiful thing
I am so incredibly tired, I only got 5 hours of sleep. But... it was worth it. I have plenty of chances to get sleep...
I am so happy, I don't think I've ever been this happy before in my life. gblah!
I think this is going to turn into a shitty journal entry, just because of the fact that I am still really tired. When I am tired.. I tend to make no sense.. and not think. To hard to think. lol.
I am so happy, yet I am scared at the same time.
I have so many Ideas!!
But thats a surprise... and if I said it, then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore...
Well, there could be several suprises...
But I'm not going to say anything about that either.
:-D ;-) :-P
MM...I'me too tired to do yoga. lalala.. just waiting for steve to come back online...
I am going to send him a big box full of things.
I don't want to copy his ideas.. but, what can I say, they were damn good ideas. lol.
Man, I have so many things to do... he is going to be a spoiled brat. :-P
First things first... I MUST find a job of some sort. I wonder if that girl is still looking for a sitter.. mmm.. that would be awesome... Ryan told me I'd get like, holy crap like 60 dollers a day. MmmMmM...
Well, I am going to get money. Thats that.
I think I had a funny dream last night... but I don't really remember it. I remember something about plaid pants I think....lol. I don't know.. I forgot the dream right after my dad woke me up for my meds. Stupid pills...
Eh I hate my house.. it's so dirty. ESPECIALLY my room. Can't keep the damn thing clean for an hour.
Stephanie: "OH I clean up everything on MY side of the room, It's YOUR side thats always messy, It's because you're spoiled and I'm the extra child who doesn't have anything. That's Why my side is clean, because I don't have anything."
Yeah... OKAy.. FUcking christ... why is she ALWAYS fuckign trying to call ryan. Hes fucking asleep don't you know... stupid bitch.. She could at least ask me to sign off line like a POLITE person. No... she's just a bitch. Whore whore whore whore bitch bitch bitch skank hoe bitch brat blah blah blah.
Okay enough of my immatureness. I can only be glad that I am writing this in WordPad, otherwise all of what I just wrote would be lost.That would be incredibly annoying.
AGHH I love her so much that sometimes I just want to break her into crumbs and feed her to the birds. Is that such a bad thing? I love her.. I really do. heh.
I wonder if Ryan would drive me to Canada...mm. Probably. We have an agreement that if one of us is in need, than the other shall help. hehe... Stephanie thinks she is all that matters to Ryan in the world, and is all that will ever matter to her.. but I was friends with him before they started dating... and I am not the one who treats him like shit half the time. And by half the time I mean like 5 minutes of sucking up to him and then 5 minutes of verbally bashing his complete existance.. and then rotate. And then throw in a little guilt and sympathy pleas. Like seasoning in a dog shit stew. Thats kinda gross...
Anyways... I could go on about Stephanie forever... But I really would prefer not to..
I have to find ways to show steve how much I care for him.. I have many ideas of which to do this but.. it might take more time than I'd like. THEY might take more time than I'd like. Damn it's hard keeping a secret from your own journal. haha..
oh shit I just came up with another Idea.. muhahah.
MMM I love steve so much.. he makes me feel so.. proud to be me. :-P. He's so wonderful I could puke.
Finally.. the hussy is off the phone.
la la la.... *signs on*
I think this is putting off a bad impression of how I treat my loved ones. Well... I must add this, I only treat them how they treat me.
Me and stephanie both love each other like mates of the soul... but, we get on each others nerves more than ANYONE! mostly.. because we live with each other. I could care less.. I always wanted her here... But the fact that we share a room.. she obviously needs her own space. Her own, personal, private space. Something that belongs to her completely and she can be as selfish with as she pleases. I've been trying to give that to her, but there are several problems with this...
A) My eldest Brother still lives under this roof... and takes up what could be very valuable living space..
B) My parents think that the only OTHER available space to be modeled into a room would not be appropriate. *cough* the basement.. or the FaMiLy RoOOOom. WOoOOO. No one uses it as a damn family room... the dog fucking pisses down here and seans plays video games all night and day. Yeah.. some family room. Blah.. plus I don't think they want me and steph to have our own rooms.
AGH she is at it yet AGAIN!! dammit, he is ON HIS WAY! you DONT need to call him, he lives a total of * minutes away... he should be here any second.. you stupid... bratty.. bitch.
Damn I am really cranky.
Thats okay... I shal continue to babble... it is the only thing worth doing at the moment. I woudl love to just go back to sleep but I can't do that... To much to say to much to do to much to live.. no time for sleep. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!
mm how about some sweet lyrics..
look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...
hard to see up
my neck feels stiff until I wake up
the orange i choked
and back to my neck
it's worth my time
whatever that means....so
share with me
cause i need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather stop now
if you won't open up
give it to me
give me all... whatever you want
it's never been me
to want this much from you
I can see
it tears me up
ahh need to get on with the day, most likely be writing more later..
Current Mood: blah blah...
|Saturday, July 3rd, 2004|
sara is over
joe is an ASSHOLE. both joes. they must die. i will kill them.
they will have a slow and painful, brutal, messy, bloody, undeniably excruciatingly painful death...
i WOULD go into further detail with this but that could lead to some very dangerous things.
dunnn dunnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
aright now. yeah thats great
|Friday, July 2nd, 2004|
the top 3 pictures are of me.
the 3 below that are of JoJO(jocelin)
the 1 beneath those, is of my sister Stephanie.
the 2 below that are my other sister Sara.
today was err pretty mellow and good. I slept until like 11pm (on and off) then I got up.. ate a hotdog that tasted pretty gross.. and washed it down with some OVALTINE. which tasted pretty good. :-p Then.. around 1:30, My mother, nick, stephanie, and myself went to Booth adn Dimock Library and got summer reading books from the school's list. Also, me and her got some Yoga books, and a dance cardio tape, and some pleasure reading books. Mom and nick just got pleasure reading.
After that, I was home for a little bit.. then I went to Stephanie BeBee's. We hung out for a little bit, watched Maury (her favorite TV show)lol... adn then watched the movie Mall Rats for like the 12th time this week. I still enjoy every single time.haha.
Then I got home.. and cleaned my room for about an hour and a half. I organized my closet and put clothes in teh attic and put some in backs for scraps to makes more clothes from.(I started this project with Sara a couple weeks ago, we are making new clothes from old clothes, making our own designs.. it's quite fun actually) Then I threw away all the trash, and organized my organizing thing. My room is actually still really dirty.. but it was getting very hot and my allergies were giving me a time so I stopped adn changed into some looser clothing, and did Yoga for like half an hour/ 40 minutes or so. Then, I ate some dinner around 9:00/9:30 pm. Had a ciggarette (my quitting isn't going so well) and then.. steph B called again asking if I was goign with her tomorrow to Waterbury.. Said no I couldnt had plans.. blah blah. And now I'm sitting here.
My throat is a wee bit sore.
I am getting really into wed design latley (html and such) and its really really interesting to me. I like designing things. But the book I got at the Library is pissing me off. It just has lots of writing.. I mean, sure it's probably pretty helpful in punding the rules and such into your head.. but I just like getting on with things and learning how to build a structure. And as far as I've seen, up to page 105.. I already know all that crap. The basics. And I didn't do THAT much reading. In fact I did all that in a day. That would ahve taken me at least a couple hours to read and do all that. (plus it's really fine print so it's hard on my eyes)
Other than that..
I'm getting better. I am feeling less stressed, I feel happy. But I;ve still got insomnia. THAT is why I took out the book, power sleep. lol. It's good actually, tells all about what are some reasons for not sleepign, and shows and tells some techniques to try out to naturally get a good sleeping pattern. sweet eh?
Also, stephanie has some merlin story books. that is so awesome, I love those storys...
MM.. in OTHER NEWSSSSSSSAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH..... I guess I have a KIND of boyfriend. Joe.. Justin's half brother that I met a few weeks back. I guessed he really likes me, or is just attracted to me or something, and I talked to him online and he asked me out. I said yes, because a) I think he is georgeous.. and it's hard to pass up good looks these days.. with all it's superficial mindset.. blah! and B) He is a really sweet guy and he is really great to talk to. The thing is he lives in RI.. it isnt SO far away.. but I am just wondering when he plans on comming to see me. I actually havn't talkd to him in a couple days. Justin is actually suppose to be moving there, because of some emotional issues.(thats private) But that sad thing is.. nwo that I havn't talked to him.. I feel hardly any withdrawl.. I don't really care. I like him, he is cute and quite sweet, but there were certain things that turned me off about him.. which is why I am quite comfortable with not have conversing with him in a bit.
Besides.. I started talking to this boy I was a bit attracted to over the school year. I am starting to grow pretty fond of him. He is really gunny and interesting, and i find I have a lot in common with him.... :-D
Other than that.. I am going to see the movie Dodgeball with heather tomorrow. It looks really stupid. But, so stupid I just might think it's funny, plus we are bored, so we're going.
I am a little tired.. I think im going to go upstairs and read for a while til i pass out. Maybe have a glass of wine. Actually.. thats one of teh thigns I'm suppose to stay away from when trying to get a good sleep pattern going.
aw fuck it. this is damn good wine.
|Tuesday, June 29th, 2004|
enough with the drama already..
yes so.. I am still sick.. it's like some tiny little virus that just wont go away.. no matter how many times i down a cold pill. NO not overdosing. In right amounts of course. But the point is.. I'm still sick.. and I really really don't want to go to see dr. Ghabrial. I mean, I have nothing against the man, I have known him my complete entire life.. he's been taking care of me since I was born.. but, I'm just... fucking pissed. I hate getting sick, it absolutley makes me go ape shit! I don't know if I even have a point. *sigh* I'm working on it.
I'm still smoking ciggarettes though... that could be a big problem too. I really must go further in my attempts to quit.
In.. more cheery news..
I'm talking to jeremy more. he lives right down the road but.. yeah, I would just rather talk to him online to get to know him better.. because.. i'm weird like that. I don't have feelings for him per say.. but I always felt a little.. err.. connection to him throughout the year.. though I never talked to him before.. but yeah. what can I say.. I'm fuckin weird.
Okay.. i think steph left with Ryan so I wont be leaving Sara by herself now.
|Sunday, June 27th, 2004|
i actually have nothing to do. and i havnt foudn a job yet... surprise surprise! i've made a lot of friends latley though... really weird. for me especially. dan is talking to me.. noah is.. jeremy is.... joe.. jesus.. people . yeah.. jesus. haha i talk to him every day now..
wow.. in my mothers dreams.
well im stilll not a drug addict.. look at me!
im saving up money.. me and my sister plan a road trip some time soon... oh yeah.
yeah.. im getting tired.. slowly.. must..keep ..eyes.. open..
why do i bother writing in here anymore? im SUPPOSE to write in a notebook journal.. i can't keep up two.. this is mad.. mad.. insane. razy.. WOOhoo! bonkers.. i think im permanently fucked up
|Thursday, June 10th, 2004|
this piece of crap comupter better not freeze this time, because if it does i am going to smash it in with a hammer..
apparently when I'm pissed I talk in a phone sex voice.. thanks josh..??yeah about that
jake and mia called and wanted me to go over because they were having a party but, i tryed to call later and apparently steph gave me the wrong number. surprise.
i got a new therapist today..
shes nice.. i suppose. but she has a lazy eye i can't stop starring at.. and it's all glazed over.. she was talking to me, and asking me to sign something but i just couldn't stop starring at the eye..
this might not work..
she wants me to keep a journal, so she can read it to help diagnose me..
i'm going to write about the eye..
suprisingly this not going to see jake, mia and rocco ordeal has got me pretty pissed... well, they might move to florida soon, and i would never see them.. for a long time..
i feel bad about telling off sara's friend.. i mean i was right and all.. but i was harsh.. ya know?mm... oh well
laura is annoying the hell out of me.. she thinks i'm going to go on a murder suicide rampage.. i mean, she says it so much, i just might as well do it. it must be fate
enough skipping around and talking about unimportant things..
|Saturday, June 5th, 2004|
i feel so shitty. My throat is starting to hurt and im extremely tired all teh time. Every day after school for the past almost 2 weeks, i've been comming home and sleeping straight til 7 oclock when my dad usually wakes me up for dinner... and then today he asks me if i feel okay.. and i say, Oh I'm fine. Then I wake up and my slightly sore throat from before.. hurts like a bitch. and it isnt a dry throat i know tbat much. ughhh i think this means i have mono again....:(
|Saturday, May 29th, 2004|
yes.. today was... eh, boring. very very hot. very humid. i liked it :-P. Yeah... B period I had to give an oral presentation on my interpretation of chapter 31 from To Kill A Mockingbird. It was... mm... alright. At one point Ms. Marzialo said that I had made a comment on one of my chosen quotations that was 'simply brilliant'. Which made me feel alot better since I tend to freak out talking in front of the class.. stumbling over my words.. face turning red.. get a little shaky.. nervous... but i seemed to be able to think on my feet.. maybe the medication IS doing something for me. Because after like 10 minutes I was able to control myself. I WAS standing in front of the class for most of the period.. so yeah.. I got used to it. Um yeah... here is my presentation, (with notes).. Christine LaPointe English To Kill a Mockingbird Period B Ms. Marzialo Summary: Atticus and Sheriff Heck Tate had just finished talking about the incident of Bob Ewells attack, and death. As Arthur Radley stood to leave, he had a difficult time walking, and broke into a coughing fit. These were the first sounds he had made during the whole time they had sat outside on the porch, and using body language, he communicated with Scout. He nodded, and she lead him inside, and took him to Jem's room. At frist he didn't get too close, and stood in the dark corner, but Scout confirmed to Arthur it was okay, and he walked slowly to Jem's bedside. She held his hand to comfort him, and Arthur placed a hand upon Jem's head. Again, through body language, he squeezed Scout's hand, and together they walked out of the house still hand in hand. As Scout stopped at the steps, Arthur softly spoke, asking her to lead him home. Scout let go of his hand, they locked elbows, and walked across the road, through the Radley's fate, and Arthur entered his house only for Scout to never see him again. Just then, Scout looked out upon the neighborhood, and veiwed it from the Radley's porch, in a way she had never seen before. She Saw a long tall window, covered by blinds, and walked to it. She connected her thoughts with that of Arthur Radley's, and imagined what he had witness over the years. He was able to see clear to the post office from this spot, but what must have caught his eye most was Scout and Jem. Watching them grow, they became Arthurs' closest image of a good, caring family. He cared for them as if he had known them personally all their lives. Yet, he preferred to watch from a far, as it was what he was accustomed to, and knit it would be better off by the town that way. Then, Scout imagined, one night, while everong else was listening to their radios, Arthur was sitting quietly in the same place he always had, observing, only to move as he heard Jem and Scouts' yells. When Scout returned to her house, she found everyone asleep but Atticus and sat in his lap as he read aloud to her, and finally to carry her to bed. Key Passages: (277) "Having been so accustomed to his absence, I found it incredible that he had been sitting beside me all this time present. He had not made a sound." ( Interestingly enough, scout had been so excited to finally meet and see 'Boo' Radley, yet sitting next to him in the silent dark, she forget, as if hewas never there. I think, though, that it was not that she was accustomed to his absence, but rather she was used to the mere thought of him, sitting quietly, peaceful, watching. It was not that he had never been there, but he had been there all along.) Empathy-a connection with Arthur Radley (in a way). (278) "You can pet him, Mr. Arthur, he's asleep. You couldn't if he was awake, though, he wouldn't let you...' I found myself explaining. ' Go ahead." (Scout is explaining to Arthur Radley simply that it was okay, for him to show sympathy and affection towards Jem. Jem had been hurt, but he had saved his life, and Scout showed the uttermost sympathy towards Arthur for it. He had obviously been out of contact with people for most of his life, and did not know what to do, and what was okay to do, he was scared. He was just and innoect, and decent man who had been isolated from the world, and Scout eagerly wanted to show him it was alright.) Sympathy (278) " I put my foot on the top step and stopped. I would lead him though out house, but I would never lead him home." (Scout was growing mature, and becoming a lady. A lady would accomidate to a guest in her house, but would slip back into her graceful, yet seemingly respectable, vulnuerable status in public, especially when accompanying and man. Also, she seems to be treating Arthur Radley with higher respect that he is probably used to. He is most likely treated childlike in the house, with strict people surrounding him all his life. Arthur asks to be lead home, like a child would ask, who Scout says, would be afraid of the dark. Obviously he is not afraid of the dark, as he live in a house, which is nearly never lit up. She treats him respectfully, and like the adult he is, and does not lead him, but accompanies him to his house.) (278) "Neighbors bring food with death and flowers with sickness and little things in between. Boo was out neighbor. He gave us two soap dolls, a broken watch and chain, a pair of good-luck pennies, and our lives. But neighbors give in return. We never put back into the tree what we took out of it: we had given him nohting, and it made me sad." (Scout is sorry that she never got to repay Mr. Radley all the things that he gave her and Jem. She is showing civil rights, because she considers Arthur equal to her, and she wishes she could had showed that she felt that way. I think though, by just understanding him, showing him empathy, was repayment enough.) (279) " I looked behind me. To the left of the brown door was a long shuttered window. I walked to it, stood in front of it, and turned around. In daylight, I though, you could see to the post office corner. Daylight... in my mind, the night faded. It was daytime and the neighborhood was busy." (Scout is showing empathy in this passage, by stepping into Arthur radley's shoes. She is seeing from his point of veiw what it is like to sit and watch the world pass by, as he sits and observes it day after day.) (297) "Summer, and he watched his children's heart break. Autumn again, and Boo's children needed him. Atticus was right. One time he said you never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them. Just standing on the Radley porch was enough." (This is showing, again, how Scout fully understands Arthur Radley, and why he is the way he is. Arthur Radley is a Mockingbird, he does not sing, nor make a sound, yet he quietly sits and respects his surroundings. ect..) (297) "As I made my way home, I thought Jem and I would get grown but there wasn't much else left for us to learn, except possibly algebra." (Scout and Jem had been through so much already in there short years, but the things they learned were probably the most important. Respected adults they knew didn't carry as much knowledge as they did. And having a father like Atticus, they learned important lessons) Questions: 1) Why do you think Arthur Radley had a hard time walking, and broke into a coughing fit when he stood up in the porch? 2)Why do you think Arthur Radley used body language to communicate with Scout, except for when he asked her to bring him home, and also, why did he want her to bring him home? 3)When Scout brought Arthur Radley into Jem's room before they left, why was he afraid to touch him? 4)What made Scout stop on the Radley's porch after Arthur went inside? And what was she looking at? 5)When Scout walked to the window on the porch, what was she thinking of? 6)After the long night she went through, why did Scout sit with Atticus while he read to her, instead of going right to bed? 7)Why do you think it is that Scout was not afraid of what had happened to her and Jem, but she was afraid of the scary stories in books? 8)While Atticus was carrying Scout to bed, she was recalling everything he had read, what did the story sounds similar to? Yeah.. all of that, besides the summary, was mandatory to do, because our final exam will be on this book. So we all had to take notes on everyones presentation of their assigned chapters.. (detailed notes..) Yeah.. I think I could have done better on it, but I did it in 3 hours.. and I was exhausted.. like always, :sigh:... Yeah I don't know when my last entry was, but I plan to make this one pretty long, and plan to keep this more updated.. since I'm getting more time to myself now these days. Yes so.. the Prom.. it was.. fun, very AWKWARD, but... fun at least. But for some reason my stomach hurt A LOT, durring the first couple hours. It really sucked.. And Matt was trying to engage me in conversation when.. I wasn't feeling particularly talkitive at the time, which I feel bad about, I mean, it WAS his senior prom.. but I went as a gesture of kindness, because he is my friend, and, well, I just don't have feelings for him that way. Now, he is telling me how all of his friends think I'm pretty or uh , "hot", and he wants to hang out . Sure, I'll hang out with him, but I'd be very displeased if he tryed to uh.. do anything . Ya know. Now that gets me thinking... Rich. The fact I used to get down on ymself all the time because I had gotten invoved with him.. but really I think it was the guilt because I had cheated on Bob with him... I felt so horrible... and I told Rich I never wanted to see him again.. Which didn't work out because he kept comming over my house.. no matter how rude I was to him, or how many times I told him that I had done something wrong, and it would be worse still, to have contact with him after that. BUt.. after I realized what an asshole Bob was, and how he treated me.. and how we only went out for a period of 3 weeks... I lost those feelings of hate towards Rich.. and I miss him. I havn't seen him since last summer... and I miss him, we got along great. I remember the first night I met him, no, the first night I talked to him. Because I remember the first night was just a quick glimpse, because he was dropping Steph's boyfriend (MATT) off to see her. But the first time me and him talked, was... good. Great even. We talked until about 2, 3 in the morning? And.. it was nice. At first I had just talked to him because he was there with Matt, and him and Stephanie were in the room.. so I am not one to leave a person tehre.. sitting in our deserted livingroom ALONE.. while I had obviously no where else to go and nothing better to do. We took a walk outside.. down teh street, and we talked. The stars were out, adn I realized it was actually a very romantic atmosphere. Or it would have been if I had not been dating anyone at the time. To be honest, I liked to talking to him, but it felt wrong because I could sense he wanted something more from me, which he did... and I found out.. We were on the couch, talking, and Matt and Stephanie came through the door, (after they left the bedroom an hour or two later that is..) and he just said something and leaned over really quick and started to kiss me.. Now, I don't know why, but I didn't push him away. Oh well.. I guess things happen. Anyway.. the next day I told bob, and he was upset.. but...he said he still wanted to date me. For a while we did, but after I saw how he really was, I broke it off. He was pretty upset about that, for a bit anyways. He kept comming over my house adn asking me outa dn telling me he 'loved' me.. or whatever.. then I set him up with my sister who had just broken up with Matt a short while ago. so yeah. Anyways.. I woudl like to talk to Rich again some time soon, I hear he is doing well and has a new girlfriend. I also heard he has changed his "womanizing ways" ?! I never knew... *shrugs* Yeah so the last pictures I had of me.. I shall put them in order from past to present! muhaha.. I dunno.. I just feel like it.
Your're all zombie thigh-fat people brought into animation by some evil force of forceful evil!!!!SHIT!that lipstickets the wrong color for you!!
haha.. i love that..
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
|days go by
Yeah.. this has been.. and interesting weekend so far. Bah.. I don't even feel like explaining everything.. I just want to write.. adn be like yeahh weeeeee.
Plus the last like 5 times i tryed to save an entry, someone called and the internet automatically dissconnected.. so it got lost. Yeah.. and that really ticked me off.
Right now.. I'm looking for air plane ticket prices. I have well, a lot of plans for this summer. I want to see a lot of people. I want to see austin since I havn't seen him in a year almost. And how much better can you get than free food and room? I mean, I would be staying with my friend and her grandparents. Yeah sure , she only met them for the first time in her life like last month, but.. they're trying to make it up to her. Well, her grandfather anyway, his wife isn't her real grandmother. Mhm..
Yeah.. I also wanted to go to canada.. so see steve. But I'm thinking.. that wont happen. At least not until I am 16. But.. maybe.. well. I don't know. I want to see him, but.. my options are pretty limited. I don't knwo if I am goign to go to florida. Unless the tickets and SUPER cheap. I mean like dirt cheap, like i beat up a scalper on the street and stole his ticket. Yeah, I make sense. Anyways... Tomorrow is mothers day. Wee.. well, we basically celebrated it today because, we went to that ladies range day thing. And it was really sucky for me, but my mom had fun. Thats all that matters really. But man.. if I never see another woman throw a frying pan at a metal target named harry again, I will die happy.
Yup yup.. last night.. we wont talk about. It was probably.. nah, it wasn't that embarassing as some of my other nights. Not really. It could have been worse. But it was pretty bad. I mean, this guy Jon Frezno, I've met him before , he's a fello juggalo an all.. hes pretty cool. But yeah, so last night he tells me and steph he is having a party with a bunch of people, and I'm like, well alright, sounds like fun. Then we get there.. and he's like, oh everyones busy, but we can just chill.. blah. So it's us 3.. we watch a kmk dvd. Yeah that was cool :-P. Then we played some pool, and jon wanted to make some fun out of it. Because.. he had this (strange) urge to play spin the bottle. And I was like.. naw.. so yeah, he's like every other time I get my ball in the pocket, you have to make out with me. (reffering to steph, he has a thing for her I guess) and steph.. doesn't like him like that, and she really didn't want to kiss him, but she didn't want to be like, Oh no man, your gross, ew ! lol. yeah, so shes like.. "uh.. how about.. I'll.. make out with Chrissy!" Then she leans over and says, "I don't want to do anything with him, you don't care right?" And I don't care, so yeah. Me and steph ended up kissing like.. 3 times. Haha.. That was pretty weird. It was like ksising my sister.. and thats... not my thing. You know.. some people ahve this saying , "incest is the best, put your (insert relative here) to the test." But.. yeah, no. haha. So anyways. Then we got home at like 11:30. Then went to bed, and got up at like.. 6am. fun fun. Now i'm here.. sitting. and yeah.
oh yeah, actually we went online before we went to sleep. And I saw steve online, and had this mad crazy urge to spill my love filled gut to him.. but he wasn't there. So then today, he's like, do you still need to talk? And I was like. well.. yeah, but it may take a while, so maybe when you have more time to talk. Because I know, that he doesn't like it any better than I do, when we get into a conversation (with anyone really) and just.. stop in the middle of it. okay i have to go,bye
|Tuesday, May 4th, 2004|
then is not a thing else to do but just keep updating my journal.. so yeah.
lets see if i can do a good job of expressing what i'm feeling.
scared: why am i scared? because i've got this mysterious sickness.. because i fear that i'm just being played with. and i fear even if it is nothing,i am goign to form a nice little hold in my stomach, because i can't eat anything, even when i feel the stomach acid burning at my insides. thats kind of gross... and it hurts a lot.
tired: because i havn't got hardly any sleep, except for today. but it was uneasy light sleep, which i constantly woke with a headache or a coughing spasm, and get dry heaves. again.. gross. and because i'm tired of everyone telling me that i am someone i am not. first.. it's stephanie, telling me that i am going to turn out just like stephanie beebe, and that i probably deserve to be murdered for 'chillin with her'. and then steve.. telling me i'm a drug addict... and everyone telling me i'm getting them sick when they don't even have the same symptoms as me. "ohh my throat hurts.. weh you got me sick" okay, my throat doesnt hurt the slightest bit, they don't have a drip, and don't have blood being coughed up from their lungs.." so whatever. that doesnt sound like something contagious.. sounds liek something i brought upon myself. maybe i have emphaseyma. or.. i have no idea how to spell that. yay i have a death wish!...
what else am i feeling..
high (the light headedness from the fever)
pain:my lungs, and my.. okay this sounds cheesy, my heart.
and sick to my stomach.
then theres a million other things i feel
but i cant count them all...
i loose interest right away
i just want to be 13 again
and start this over..
never do all teh things i did..
but then i wouldnt know so many things that i do
but i would be innocent..
but then i would get brought down by people who KNOW i dont know any better..
alright.. time for dinner..
yeah.. me and steve got into another argument.. why does this keep going on? its tearing me completly in half.. not only that.. im still sick. really really fucking sick adn id ont know what is wrong with me. id ont want to go to teh doctors. it could be nothing.. or it could be...something. and since that argument, i just had a thought.. maybe it could be withdrawl?? maybe.. thats it? i really fucking hope so.. because.. i don't know whats wrong with me. and.. honestly.. i'm kind of scared.
but then again, i always get scared when i'm sick. doctors are always telling me i have a higher risk of dying when im sick. so.. that really doesnt help me.. and it sure doesnt make me want to stop doing drugs. but i have stopped... yes i guess some people dont see that. they dont believe me. you know.. it may not have been that long since i stoppped.. adn i may try to tell people its longer.. but.. i still think its important that i stopped. its not like i get any credit for doing anything good. just shot down. whatever. i cant even think straight with this fucking punding headache.
well, another day in HELL will suffice i guess. Steve.. i don't know what is up with him. He gets buzzed.. then calls me a drug addict and tells me to stop talking to him.. and obviously he doesnt know a thing. because if i was a drug addict i wouldnt waste my time tlaking to him, or anyone. i would be in my old ways, out all teht ime, being depressed and all that horrible shit.. and fucking my life up. now.. since he made a false comment, i made one towards him, i calle dhim an alchoholic, which he isnt.. but i thought maybe id get back at him. he probably thinks i was being serious.. but well, i cant take the shit anymore. i started to try to work things out.. and he just.. doesnt care anymore i guess. so why should i? i told him i give up, right after he told em to never message him again, and then ehs like, oh well you didnt try very hard. and if you think you did thats pathetic. or something along those lines anyway. but whatever. im sick of this. hes like i love you and this is killing me. thanks for only telling me how you feel adn showing me that you care when your angry at me... that REALLY helps the whole situation. damn
i should have just told him to talk to me whne he wasnt drunk anymore or something... but.. it turned into a sad ending. well, hes a hypocrite now, or he just wanted some revenge. so whatever.
|Monday, May 3rd, 2004|
|desperate times call for desperate measures.. too bad im too desperate to care
I walk down the hallway leading away from the stairs.. the walls painted white, now stained to a light shade of gray.. and i walk over the tan carpet with red patches of blood and chough tablets.. a souvenier unpurposley kept from a mind trip. i check the temperature..and i raise it, as my teeth chatter for no reason. i don't feel the slightest bit cold, as a shiver runs up my spine. but maybe if it warms up, it will help. i break into a coughing fit as i enter my small, dirty room. i grab for my white inhaler, shake it furiously, and swallow two large gulps of medicine. still wheezing, i fall against my sad excuse for a matress, and pathetically cry about my aching body. I proceed to bury myself in a book i'm almost finished with....something about teen angst and a criminal case. story of my life. i finish.. and get bored.. i talk with ryan, and let him vent to me how much of a bitch his girlfriend is.. then I leave.. because he has started conversation up with my brother and my cousin... i go to the living room where my mother quietly reads a book, while the t.v. plays in the background. why am i always so rude with her? she seems so.. innocent laying there.. I sit on the arm of the couch and play with her hair. I notice how her hair gets closer to a salt and peper mane every day.. i feel this sadness sink into me like i've never felt before. it's too overwhelming. I kiss the top of her head gently and smile faintly as i walk away and decend the stairs. I go down and sit by the computer, and wait for it to load.. then.. i sit and think to myself... what now?
well... whatever.. byebye Current Mood: ftw